Peonies are for Healing
by TsuyuBaby
Summary: There was no word to describe how horrible a person I was. No word to describe how much I hated myself. I deserved to die. And I did. That day, Shisui Uchiha died. POV:Shisui, ItaShi, Warnings inside


Title: Peonies are for Healing  
>Chapter: 11  
>Author: Koite<br>Rating: R for angsty-ness and sexual thoughts  
>Summary: There was no word to describe how horrible a person I was. No word to describe how much I hated myself. I deserved to die. And I did. That day, Shisui Uchiha died.<br>Pairings: ItaShi  
>Warnings: LOVE. and angst. the angst comes first, but then there's love. mxm, sexual thoughts, contemplation of suicide, murdering of small children is vaguely mentioned, LOVE<p>

A/N: OHMYSHIT, this is the sweetest thing I have ever written. I am so proud of this. I don't care if you hate it, I LOVE IT. I think this may be the best thing I've ever written. Ever. ~~~333333

~X~

Is it cynical of me to say that good things never last? Probably. But it's the truth. All things wonderful and magnificent will soon break and shatter into a million little pieces. And you'll never be able to put them back together. Because everything was originally just small particles of dust and everything will eventually return to it's true form.

Itachi was my best friend. I had loved him, probably more than a best friend should. When he killed me I wasn't sure whether to take that as a compliment-I was his most precious person-or an insult-he could kill me, but not Sasuke? My was both broken and filled at the same time. It was a complicated set of emotions. And I wasn't sure how to act on those emotions.

The thing is, I didn't actually die. He thought I did because I made him. I used Tsukuyomi on him and in return he developed the accursed genjutsu himself. I wanted to hug him and ease his sorrows and kill him for revenge simultaneously. Another thing Itachi hadn't known was that Madara had approached me first. Madara had tried to use me and when I fought back he turned to Itachi.

If I had known that he'd cause my little cousin this much pain, I would have considered taking him up on his offer before he had the chance to extend it the Itachi. I would have taken the burden upon myself instead of dropping it down on him. And Itachi would have been the one to live, rather than Sasuke. He would have handled the position much better than his younger brother, no doubt about that.

But no matter how much I would give to go back and change the past, it's thee one thing that's untouchable for all ninja. It's impossible to alter. So I snuck off the Uchiha compound silently, as silent as a ghost. If I couldn't change the past, perhaps I could help in the future. I found a group of individuals who were fighting to bring peace to the world and I joined them. A week later, everyone in my entire family was killed.

I know Itachi would be killing himself on the inside from what he had done. But I'm not sure which of us was in more pain. I had allowed it. I could have stopped it. I had not only turned my back on my entire family, but on my most precious person as well. I knew he would suffer endlessly, and I did nothing. I stood by and watched the carnage and the bloodshed. I watched, and I made plans for the future.

And I did _nothing_.

There was no word to describe how horrible a person I was. No word to describe how much I hated myself. I deserved to die. And I did. That day, Shisui Uchiha died.

And I become a shadow.

~X~

I was known as Hajime, meaning beginning. With this name I became someone else, a different person. It was a new beginning. I would work in the shadows of Akatsuki, doing their dirty work. I was the only member who wanted peace bad enough to slaughter hundreds of people without a second thought. I killed women, children, babies. However and whenever I was ordered. I knew Madara was behind it, but it didn't matter. We were using each other to further our own goals. His-to destroy Konoha. And mine-to bring ultimate peace.

I was not an idealist, despite what most people thought. I believe that everyone is born idealist, but that sentiment is torn violently away from them piece by piece as they mature. Anyone who makes it through to adulthood and is still an idealist has surely led a sheltered life. Idealism is naive. Idealism is like a pair of your favorite jeans that you bought when you were five. You desperately try to keep wearing them, even going so far as to squeeze your now far less chubby with baby fat legs into them. When they get ripped or torn you patch them back together with that pretty multi-colored thread and patches from old t-shirts. By the time you turn ten, they have morphed into a new pair entirely, no longer recognisable under your multiple attempts to clumsily repair them. They turn into a monster.

And so now idealism has turned into cynicism, because what was once beautiful has become messy and unrealistic. You can no longer fit into your old jeans, your old ideas. You can try to buy more when you're older that remind you of those deeply treasured pants, but you will never be able to find that exact floral print that was on the back pockets or the same sparkly, pastel colored, circular beads sown in that beautifully simple design down the left leg. And you know that your search will always be fruitless.

And so, like those jeans, I have become torn and utterly wore down past repair. I am tired, so tired. So ready to die. But then, four years later, I see him again for the first time. He doesn't see me, but it doesn't matter. I'm no longer part of his world. But he's a major part of mine, he's my everything. He wasn't doing anything interesting, just sitting and watching the sky. But then a warm wind blew threw his hair and he looked up and smiled at the puffy white clouds in the clear as water sky. He smiled.

And I felt five again. I could fit into those jeans.

~X~

That thought caused the end of a young life and the reemergence of an old one. Shisui was back. I was back. And I wanted him, wanted him so bad I could die from the need. He was no longer that ethereally beautiful, soft as silk, pale as porcelain boy. He was now a ruggedly handsome, hard as ice, dark as midnight _man_. And I wanted that man. More than I had wanted that boy. I used to dream of coddling him, protecting him, kindly teaching him the ways of sex. Of opening his silken thighs and delivering him so much pleasure his brain would overload. Of running my hands threw his long raven hair.

Now it was different. The roles had switched. My dreams-nightmares-now consisted of him forcing me down and ripping into me forcefully. He would pound into me, taking my very soul as he brutally fucked right through me. He would grab my collar-bone length, wavy, roasted chestnut hair and pull my head back, make me scream for him. He would bite down on my neck hard and leave his mark. Forcing me to always remember that I was his.

I couldn't have him though. Back then, and now. I could never have him. He thought I was dead, he himself had taken my life. He would go insane if he knew the truth. He would hate me forever for not staying with him, for not protecting Sasuke and looking over Konoha. I couldn't bear the pain that emerged from the thought of him hating me. It would be beyond comprehension.

And so I watched him. I would protect him on missions, killing anyone who slipped past his barriers. When he was sad, I would use and Earth jutsu and grow flowers in his special hiding spot, knowing that he'd come by later in the day and the sight would cheer him up. The flowers seemed to renew his soul, and his expression of of utter loneliness would transform into one of subdued happiness. There were still tinges of regret and melancholia buried within his happiness, but it was better than complete despair.

I still went on missions, killing who I had to for the sake of peace. But I was no longer satisfied with it. Every time I performed one of the missions where I had to kill children I died a little inside. I would report back to the compound afterwords, but afterwards I would run deep into the forest and just scream. I screamed until my voice was raw and then I cried until I fell asleep. I would choke on my on tears and end up laughing hysterically in my despair.

I was slowly going insane, and I began to wonder if anyone would care if I just killed myself. I didn't think they would. It wasn't hard to find a replacement for someone who was merely a tool for murder. There were many rogue ninjas wandering around who would do anything for a little cash and a warm bed.

Why not just end it all?

~X~

Itachi came back from a mission two weeks later. He had killed two men on the mission. Both were corrupt politicians and had committed such atrocities that their deaths were not ones to be mourned. Itachi wouldn't feel to bad after this mission. But I still went to grow the flowers anyway. It was almost winter and this would be the last time I could leave him this particular little present without it being obvious. In fact, it was probably pushing it a little to even be doing it this time. I did it anyway. If I was going to kill myself, then I wanted to see him smile one last time.

I was kneeling down and lightly running my hands over the freshly sprouted peonies, the flowers of healing. They had always been my favorite and I often grew them for Itachi. I picked one and held it up my nose, smelling it, before just holding it in my lap. They truly were beautiful. I looked sadly at the flower, wishing it's healing powers were real. Once I was gone, I wondered who would give him flowers. Maybe he'd find a nice women. Kind and gentle, that would be his type. He'd probably like the real delicate type. A woman who was like a flower. A flower giving him flowers.

I crushed the peony. The petals lilted in my hand and fell. It was such a fragile life force. The slightest touch and it dissolved, leaving nothing but a pile of smooth petals and a slowly decaying stem. I hoped the woman he chose to spend his life with was stronger than this little dying plant. If she wasn't, then how on Earth was she going to survive Itachi? How would she deal with all his pent of anger and repressed sadness? The lightest shove would bruise her. She'd cry at the tiniest burst of his anger. She'd kill herself if she knew he'd murdered his entire family. The woman would probably worry that one day Itachi would 'go crazy' and destroy their family as well.

I sighed. This thought process was really getting me down. I was more depressed than I was when I got here. Weren't these flowers supposed to be healing? Damn flowers. I laughed darkly and looked up above me. The sky was dark with thunder clouds. I hoped it didn't rain to hard, it would hurt the flowers before Itachi got here and then he would be sad. Without the flowers, there's be nothing to cheer him up.

The sky boomed and the world flashed white. Within seconds of the rain starting, the flowers were drowned. I was soaked, but I didn't care. I wanted to at least save one of the little plants for him. It took me a second to realize that the rain wasn't the only liquid running over my body. I was crying. I truly was useless, Itachi would be disappointed.

"I'm sorry, `tachi. Looks like there'll be nothing here to cheer you up." I murmured quietly to myself.

I must have jumped a foot in the air when I received an answer.

"But you're here."

Shocked, I slowly titled my down from the sky to look in front of me. About ten feet away was..._him_. He was here, and he was looking at me. He was talking to me. I wasn't freaking out. I sucked in a deep shuddering breath.

_He wasn't freaking out. _

_...HE KNEW._

He knew I was alive. He knew I had been watching over him. He knew I had been leaving him flowers. How long had he known? It must have been a while, because he was so completely calm when he said it. Like it was common knowledge that Uchiha Shisui was alive and had been leaving Uchiha Itachi flowers.

"...how long have you known?" I asked quietly. I had to know. I needed to know.

"Since flowers started growing on a patch of land where radioactivity killed off everything living on it for five years."

"How long ago did the radioactive spill happen?"

"Four years ago."

"Oh. Oh, I see."

I felt stupid. I should have known about that. If he knew about the flowers, then what else did he know? Did he know I helped him on missions? Did he know I would scream in the middle of the forest until I couldn't speak and then cry myself to sleep? I looked up at him frantically, hoping-

"Yes."

What?

"I knew. Thank you, Shisui. For helping me."

Oh, ok. I let out a sigh of relief. He didn't know about the forest. He-

"When I heard those, I would cry myself to sleep to. I wanted to go to you."

"...why didn't you?"

"I don't know. Maybe I was afraid you would hate me for witnessing that vulnerability in you. I know how proud you are."

Oh. He was probably right. I would have felt violated. As is was, I could feel me face heat up in embarrassment from him knowing. I was so weak in front of him. I bit my lip to keep from crying. It didn't work. I let out a small whimper.

"I'm sorry they died this time. I tried so hard to protect them. I really did. I'm so useless."

I sniffled and looked away. I didn't deserve to even be in his presence. I wasn't his equal. I was trash. Worthless.

"It was never about the flowers, Shisui." He said, walking towards me.

He knelt down and wrapped his arms around me, pulling my body into his stronger one. His powerful arms tightened around me and he leaned down to whisper in my ear. Like what he was about to tell be was a secret. His wet hair brushed my face and I inhaled it's calming scent. He smelt like jasmine. I remembered it was his favorite flavor of tea.

"It was always you. Not the flowers, you. Knowing you had come to visit me again. Knowing you didn't hate me for trying to kill you. And thank whoever exits out there that I failed. I am so grateful. Thank you for gifting me with your presence. With your love. Thank you so much, Shisui."

It was quiet for a moment and my heart broke, shattered into a million pieces, mending itself, and then broke again. He hadn't said he loved me back. He hadn't said it. He hadn't said it. He hadn't said it. He hadn't-

"I love you Shisui. More than you could ever imagine. More than breathing. More than anything else in the world. I love you."

And I could breath again. I laughed with joy, it probably sounded completely hysterical and totally ruined the moment. After all, laughing like a crazy person isn't exactly the normal response to someone telling you that they love you. But then again, we were never normal. In between laughs I told him a loved him back. I couldn't stop giggling, it was like I was a balloon and my string was cut. I was soaring up into the sky without bothering to look back. I didn't want to look back, I didn't care. The past didn't matter. Right now it was the two of us. And we were together. And we were happy.

He kissed me.

~X~


End file.
